


Revelations can destroy

by Jofi80



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Gen, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:52:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26559253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jofi80/pseuds/Jofi80
Summary: Alex is back - but all is not what it seems.The 2 years in WITSEC changed her ..... in some ways it almost destroyed her.Gone was the dynamic, beautiful, intelligent and confident woman who was loved and missed by so many. In its place became a woman so confused, broken and hurt by the forced changes in her life that she no longer felt that she had a life worth living. So she hid. She avoided. She ignored all attempts from those who would try to contact her ...... only one person took longer than all the others to give up ......and it was the one person that alex prayed would never cast her aside - Olivia.But Alex's life had changed now, for the better and she was done with running. She wanted her SVU family back ...... she wanted Olivia back and she was ready to fight for them.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 9
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

Alex smiled as she felt the late spring sunshine and gentle breeze caress her pale skin, blow though her lightly curled hair, as she took in her familiar surroundings.

Central park.

She gently rolled her shoulders and adjusted her lightly aching arms as she continued to admire the view that had not only been afforded to her during several crime scenes during her tenure as ADA, but it was also a special place that held many memories of her former life with Liv.  
A wave of sadness almost caused her to stumble as she realised It was a life that she no longer knew, a life that she no longer lived and it was a life that made ignore the city and people she had come to think of as home.

She continued walking.  
The grass was lush and green, the flowers only starting to fully bloom and the air was thick with children’s laughter.  
She listened to the hum of the chatter of a multitude of people that had taken advantage of the temperate weather and she found it calming.  
She even found herself nodding her head in a polite greeting at a couple that had smiled widely in her direction and she couldn’t hide the pride in her eyes for their reason, even if she wanted to.

Her life had drastically changed in the time she'd been failing to live.  
Two years. Two long, but equally rapid years in WITSEC - being told who to be, what to say, what to do, what to eat Constantly looking over her shoulder and wondering if today would be the day the hitmen would find her.  
And then it was over. She was free. And alone.  
She had no direction, no idea what to do. Because when she had left for WITSEC she had no plans to return....... at least probably not alive.

She left a job at the DA's office, a penthouse full of her belongings, a family she had spend her life trying to make proud and her colleagues ..... more notably the woman, who for a brief moment had held her heart in the palm of her hands.

Alex could feel her chest grow tight and she reflexively tightened her arms to try and combat the grief and hurt that still lingered in her veins.  
She tried, like her counsellor had told her when she started to feel anxious, to focus on the good and happy things in her life – and for a moment her heart did feel as full as her arms did – and it felt enough.  
Not perfect. But enough.  
And maybe that was as good as it was going to get for her.  
Her life was full, maybe more complicated now than ever – but in a good way. There was a significant positive to come out of all the negative.

She looked for somewhere shady to sit, knowing that the sun was not her delicate skins favourite ally and knowing that it was true for more than just herself now.

She also knew that she needed a modicum of privacy for the conversation that was about to take place, even if it was just the illusion of it. But yet, at the same time she was drawn to the intermingled chatter of families, of couples and children enjoying their day in the sunshine and she wanted to feel connected to that as it helped to ground her.

As she wandered around, her upper torso swaying gently in what she knew to be the perfect relaxing rhythm, she thought back to why she was back in the city that had all but broken her.

Her parents had raised their eyebrows at her obviously insincere declaration that the job was just too good an opportunity to pass up. They didn’t say a single word as they both pressed kisses to their foreheads, even as Alex continued rambling to try and fill the increasing silence.

“It’s part time daddy, and the money, well ... it’s more than, well, it’s more than we need.  
And I can’t keep hiding out here with my parents.  
It’s not fair,” she’d quietly ended when she’d run out of steam.

She tilted her head in question at the silence her father was still keeping. His arms were full and she smiled at the sight before her.

“We’ll miss you," he mumbled.

"But I need to do this daddy.  
I need to live again.  
I need to work.  
It was such a big part of who I was and I need that part back.  
I want that sense of sense of accomplishment and purpose back.  
And like I said, it’s part time, for as long as I need or want it to be......  
I mean, I don’t even have to go into the office if I don’t want to – especially with technology being what it is now.......  
And I need to set a good example, I need to be who he deserves me to be.....” she tapered off, before hesitantly adding;  
“And I need to mend some bridges before it really is too late.”

“we know that sweetheart,” her mother whispered, not looking at her but at what she was going to miss instead.  
“I think this is a good thing,” she continued, completely taking Alex by surprise.

“You.... you do?” she stuttered in disbelief.

“Honey, since your time in WITSEC....” and she paused, still feeling the emotions almost consume her even now, after almost 5 years ... “you’ve been on a self destruct mission.”

Alex looked at ber parents sharply, not liking where this conversation had the possibility of going.

“Now don’t get all snippy Alex,” her father cajoled.

“You’re not a coward by nature, but you know you ran. You ran and you didn’t look back........ unfortunately, you didn’t look forward either,” he sighed a little sadly., as he felt his wife lay her head against his shoulder in solidarity.

Alex felt her emotions begin to get the better of her.

“You ran from one disaster to the next and you didn’t care how much it hurt others to watch you deliberately do that .....”

He took a deep breath, knowing that his only daughter was not going to like what he had to say next, but knowing he had done her no favours in the past by not calling her on her actions until it was too late.

“because as long as you hurt yourself more baby girl, you could get through living only half a life.”

He heard Alex sob and he looked up into her tear filled bright blue eyes.

“I miss her daddy. I miss her so much!”

She broke down, her sobs causing others to be become known almost in sync with her own.

“You’re two peas in a pod,” Alexander murmured as he released his hold so she could take charge and both draw and provide the comfort that was needed.

As she focused on calming her own breathing and emotions, the other sounds also subsided.  
Alexander heard her humming a soft, gentle tune that his wife had since found out was a tune Olivia would often hum around the house and it made him smile to know that Alex was no longer trying to deny herself the people she so desperately needed to make her life whole again.  
He had so much more he wanted to say, but he knew his daughters capacity for self destruction was still prevalent, even if it was in long term ‘hibernation' at the moment.

“Alex? Honey?”

She looked up from what had so rapturously held her attention.

“You need to talk to her,” he stated.

Before the words even fully left his mouth he saw the shutters fall down on her emotions.

“I thought you were talking about Donalley,” she muttered, sulking now.

“Can it not cover the both of them?” he queried.

“I've been here these last few years.  
I've seen what became of you Alex and I’ve seen how much you’ve changed. Your whole life has done a 180 .... and I’m proud of you darling” he murmured, kissing her brow.

“But if you for one minute think I don’t know the real reason you want to go back, then you’re a bigger fool than I give you credit for!”

Alex remained silent, before glancing at her mother for support.

“You nearly died honey .... and that almost destroyed us and I know how much it hurt you.  
But you didn’t die baby girl. No matter how much you wished you had, no matter how hard you tried to destroy everything around you, you’re still here....... and so is she.”

Alexs eyes widened at this implication.

“It’s in the past now daddy,” she declared offhandly. “We’ve both moved on. Lives change. People grow apart. That’s just life.”

“Maybe you are a coward then!”

Alex had never expected to hear those words ever leave her fathers mouth, not even when she was at her worst. And it hurt.

“I’m not a coward, I’m pragmatic. There’s a difference.”

Alexander hummed in disappointment at her emotionless response.

“I have what I need in my life now daddy, I wish you could see that. It might not be what I ever pictured for myself, but it’s enough. I’m happier than I deserve to be,” she finished off sadly.

As he pulled her into his embrace, he whispered; “you deserve more than ‘enough' Alexandra. You deserve love too.”

He felt Alex shrug.  
“I have what I need right here and it’s all i want right now, ok daddy?”

“Whatever you say, baby girl. But I’m still holding out for your happy ending.... and I know your mama is too.”  
\------------------------------------------

The wriggling in her arms brought her back to the here and now and she took a deep breath, savouring the fresh air and peacefulness it provided her with.

She adjusted herself easily, the initial embarrassment and feelings of self consciousness that used to define and sometimes preclude this event now long gone, as she enjoyed and savoured it for just what it meant.

She freed a hand and quickly sent the text of her location, knowing that whatever happened next it had to be done, especially if she wanted to make this transition work.

The ping of the alert caused her to lightly start and she quickly soothed the discomfort it had caused before she glanced at the still lit screen that said only 4 words ... ‘I’m on my way”

She took a few calming breaths and then focused on her task at hand, finding it quickly soothing her as it often had the power to do.  
After a while her mild discomfort caused her to efficiently switch sides, glad for the relative seclusion of her chosen spot. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sunshine, the breeze, the soft weight against her chest and it was only when she heard a throat clearing behind the bench she was sat on that she realised how much time must have actually passed.

Alex readjusted herself as discretely as possible, a fleeting moment of wondering if this was actually a good idea crossed her mind.

“Ma'am? Ma'am? Why am I here?” came the voice of the woman she had once called her girlfriend.

She heard the exasperation and undercurrent of mild frustration in her tone and so did the sensitive bundle in her arms. A cry pierced the air, causing Olivia to step around the bench to face Alex head on, confusion at the unexpected noise on her face.

As her hands continued to focus with dedication on their task she squarely looked her ex girlfriend in the face.  
But her eyes were not focused on hers, they were glued to the little baby, with light blonde wisps of hair, in a soft royal blue romper suit that was currently wriggling as if trying to burrow his way into his mama’s neck.

“Hi Liv” she whispered, rocking her arms in a gentle swaying and patting motion to calm the distress of her son currently fussing in her arms.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex looked up at the woman she had once referred to as her lover and smiled shyly before whispering, “hi Liv..... I ...... mean .... Olivia."

But she hadn’t noticed her slip up and she certainly didn’t notice her concerned frown at her lack of verbal response – because her eyes and her attention were firmly riveted on the little boy that was currently curled into his momma’s neck.

Alex used her obvious distraction to take the time to really look at Liv, for the first time in over 3 years.

Her job with the NYPD had hadn’t appeared to have aged her a day, and her deep brown eyes still held their usual intensity.  
But, she looked tired, and not the sort of tired that predictably came with such a prominent role SVU.  
She seemed weary and defeated and for a brief moment Alex wondered if her extended absence was to blame.

Liv's hair was no longer as dark as she remembered, there were light caramel highlights that only further accentuated her exotic and enticing looks. It was also much longer now, almost touching her shoulders and it made her look softer ..... and much more feminine.

Alex watched as she ran her shaking hand through it a couple of times, an old nervous habit of hers, before she tugged at the collar of her trusty leather jacket, as if making a feeble attempt to lessen the obvious tension that was obviously flowing so readily through her veins at this precise moment.

But Liv's brooding gaze never wavered from her son and it was starting to make her second guess her decision to bring him along.

It was always a sore point for them during their ‘relationship'. Children.

Or in their case – a definite lack of.

Alex had never lied to her about the fact she did not want children.  
She just omitted the rest of that sentence every time they mentioned it ...... - the fact that she didn’t want a child or children to derail her career .... and she most definitely did not want children to come between them.

And it was a sentence she had promised herself that she would never finish out loud in Liv's presence – not even in anger during their worst fights, because she knew that Liv would never forgive her.   
She knew that Liv would have stood by her, even without children in their lives, but her heart would have always been yearning for what could have been.

The gentle breeze ruffled her loose blonde hair, distracting her, and she closed her eyes briefly, not knowing if she should get up and walk away or make a move one step closer to the life she desperately wanted to have back.  
The fresh start that she needed to have ..... with the woman that she had never stopped loving.

She sensed more than heard Olivia finally sit on the bench, not quite beside her, but close enough that she could smell her familiar perfume.  
It made her briefly nostalgic.  
Not only for the life she had, but for what it could have been – if she had been a different person, a better person, if she hadn’t stayed away for so long.

“A better partner, maybe even a better wife,” she mused silently to herself.

But that thought immediately made her realise that she had had nothing to give Olivia back then, not when she first returned from Witsec.  
She had been lost and empty, a shell of her former self. She was afraid of everything .... of everyone.  
She had gone from new city to new city at the behest of her former Witsec handlers, to escape a situation she had no control over and she had felt stuck with a life that she had hated on sight.

But Olivia hadn’t.  
Olivia hadn’t hated her.  
Even when she tried to manipulate her to, to force her to, by lying about moving on with a man she had met in her new Witsec life, so that it would be easier for Olivia to finally leave.

And so she had punished herself by staying away when she finally got free. She couldn’t bare to return to Olivia as the shell of the woman she once used to be, because Olivia deserved more than that. The irony was that Olivia was ALL that she wanted ..... she was ALL that she needed, but pride and insecurity had denied her giving what she could of herself - her body, her soul ..... and the ring she had worn on her finger that was to be Olivia’s, to prove that she was always hers.

But truthfully, Olivia never had been.  
And Alex had always wanted more.

Throughout it all, their dating, their relationship, she had hoped that Olivia would accept her, flaws and all.  
Because Alex’s feelings for the other woman often overwhelmed her, they made her want to lose control and it was a feeling that the usually composed and uptight Alexandra Cabot was unused to.

There was also the huge sense of relief she felt at being with someone ‘safe' - a sense of belonging, or a catharsis at finally having what everyone thought she was obviously missing.  
Because Olivia had been able to reach beneath the facade that she had created for herself and readily presented to others, and she had never once seemed to even realise that it had ever existed.

Looking at her now, she still had that desperation to ‘feel' that same way, to feel secure, content...... and above all loved.

But with what she was planning to say, she knew that Olivia may only feel anger at her for now daring to return to a job with SVU when only years before she had been forced to stand and watch when Alex had deliberately walked out on her, not once, not even twice, - and even her planned explanation of thinking it was a solution to the distance in their damaged relationship would probably not help her cause now.

She could sense the frustration that radiated off of Olivia and she prayed that she would be given the chance to prove that what they had and what they could still have meant as much to her as they hopefully still did to the other woman. Because Alex had lived, breathed and almost died for her ...... to get back to her. It had just taken her more time than she had thought.

Her fear was that maybe Olivia had moved on. Maybe she had moved past the regrets of what should have been, so that now she no longer remembered why she had once tried so desperately to give Alex a piece of her heart all those years ago. Especially when Alex had actually claimed the whole damn thing, and had accomplished it so very easily, and had then so callously discarded it like trash on the sidewalk.

Alex sighed, she was struggling to find the words she needed to apologise, to explain ..... and to beg the other woman for forgiveness. So, the only thing she did was pull her son that little bit tighter to her, taking comfort from and relishing the soft breath she felt upon her neck.

It was the only ‘real' thing she had in her life – the only thing she had ever ‘felt' anything for ..... apart from Olivia.

Her gaze returned to the stoic woman in front of her.  
Olivia’s eyes had always expressed her deepest feelings, even when her body language or words had tried to present the opposite.

Alex had seen the joy, hope and love that had flitted through those familiar orbs and she had watched as Olivia unconsciously went to take a step towards her, her body obviously wanting to feel close to the other woman’s once more. And just as quickly she had witnessed those eyes empty of everything but repressed anger and betrayal.

Olivia turned away, pulling her cell phone from her body and dialled quickly.

“Fin? Why's Elliot not answering?”

Alex watched as Olivia wearily rubbed her neck, a familiar sign of her frustration.

“He sent me down to Central Park to speak to a witness ..... I know Fin .... but I’m fine for Christ’s sake! I carry a gun!”

Alex knew the exact conversation that was taking place. The SVU team were family, and Olivia was the only woman in that tight knit squad, and as such they all acted like mother hens towards her, despite the fact she could probably take all of them on and still come out on top!

Her attention returned to the situation at hand when she heard Olivia begin to speak again.

“I’m going to take another quick look around and then I’ll be back ..... say 30 minutes or so. Tell Elliot I’m gonna kick his ass if this was wild goose chase!”

“Shit!” Olivia jumped as she felt Alex’s soft hand squeeze her thigh and she glared at her before shaking her unwanted touch away.

“It’s nothing Fin .... damn bug landed on me. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up big man – but I wasn’t the one who screamed like a little girl when that pigeon landed near him last week!”

She glanced again quickly at Alex and watched as the other woman opened her mouth as if she was about to speak.

“I gotta go. See you back at the office.” 

As she snapped her cellphone shut Alex immediately began to talk.

“There is no witness Liv ..... you’re here to see me.....”

Olivia exploded from the bench and started to briskly walk away.

“Liv!!” Alex shouted, “please! Don’t go! Not like this!”

Alex grabbed the changing bag, adjusted the baby on her chest and started to try and chase after the woman who for once was leaving her.   
Watching her leave was not a nice feeling and her heartache ached at how much worse it must have been for Liv to watch her do it on more than one occasion.

“Goddamnit Liv! Stop!” she huffed, trying to juggle everything in her already tired arms.

“Don’t make me chase you with a baby, because you know I will!”

Liv slowed but refused to stop.

“Why do you have to be such a bitch about this?!” Alex taunted, knowing that sometimes the only way to get through to Liv was via anger and inciting it back from her.

It worked.

Liv spun around, her eyes blazing in the afternoon sun.

“Bitch?” she queried.   
“You have the nerve to call ME a bitch!” she demanded, whilst warily watching come closer.

“It made you stop, didn’t it?” Alex smirked, the opening and closing of Liv's mouth the only initial response.

“Is he yours?” Liv demanded angrily.

Alex was startled from her musings and her little jump caused the baby to fuss at his mother’s sudden discomfort.

“Shhh ...... shhhh...... honey,” she whispered in a soft melodious tone.  
“It’s ok baby boy ..... it’s ok ...... shhhh, shhh, mommas got you.”

Olivia watched as if mesmerised at the actions of the woman before her.  
Wondering how she could be so familiar and yet so different all at the same time.

The blue eyes that she loved looked up at her in thinly veiled amusement.

“Well, despite being a VERY talented attorney, I’m certain not even I could get away with stealing someone else’s baby and trying to pass him off as my own!” she chuckled, continuing to lightly rub circles on the baby’s back.

As she glanced up to check Liv's reaction in the silence that followed, it was clear that she was still staring – only now it was at the delicate diamond that adorned the ring finger on Alex's left hand as it continued to move gently on her child’s back.

The awkwardness was palpable.

Liv looked like she’d been betrayed as her stormy dark eyes finally met Alex's.

For the first time since she had set out on this path Alex wondered if she had made a terrible mistake.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex could feel the waves emotion emanating from Olivia, and for once in her life she just couldn’t read the woman standing in front of her.

Olivia’s eyes briefly flashed with a potent mix of sorrow, regret, anger, resentment and frustration - all before the shutters came down and those beautiful chocolate eyes became empty and her gaze hollow.

For the first time Alex found herself acknowledging that perhaps her ‘plan" for how this meeting was supposed to go was never actually based on their reality, but instead, some far-fetched soap opera fantasy reunion that she had concocted in her imagination during their years apart.

She played out the soap opera plots in her mind.  
Synopsis:

Woman returns from afar, with a baby and a hidden past, desperate to reunite with her long-lost love.  
The road to find each other is paved with hurt and recriminations, but their love is true ..... and their hearts belong together   
Soon all is forgiven as they fall into each others arms, and they declare their undying love, reunite and ride off into the sunset as one big happy family. And they lived happily ever .......  
The end:

Sure, she had thought long and hard about the pros and cons of arranging a meeting – and in a perfect world there had been no cons ..... some awkward and uncomfortable moments perhaps ..... but completely worth it, if it meant her life would change.

...... only perhaps what she hadn’t fully taken into account, or even considered, was how Olivia would feel about it. She had just assumed that their hearts and minds were still in sync ...... despite the distance and changes that had occurred in the interim.

There was an uncomfortable silence lingering between them. Olivia looked like she was poised to run – the one predisposed reflex that Alex had most despaired of during their chequered past.   
But she knew Liv ran when things got hard, not because she didn’t care, but because she cared TOO much.   
So, if she was being completely honest with herself, whilst she wasn’t certain that she wanted to be the one to speak first, to essentially ‘back down', especially after calling Olivia a ‘bitch' for initially walking away, she knew that if she didn’t make some sort of overt gesture then Olivia would be gone.

Alex regarded her carefully, schooling her features and keeping her breath even and calm, a difficult task considering her heart was beating erratically within her chest.   
She was scared.   
Her whole future rested on the outcome of this meeting, Olivia just didn’t know it yet.

As her chest tightened, a chest that was now slightly larger, thanks to the baby, she couldn’t help but inwardly smirk at the fact that despite her best attempts, Olivia had repeatedly glanced it’s way.   
And it gave her hope.

Her body had always been a weakness of Olivia’s – and she had not been ashamed to use it to her advantage over the years to entice and beguile the woman now standing silently in front of her.  
It boosted her confidence to know that Olivia still found her attractive – especially knowing how insecure she now felt about how her body had changed since having her son.

Luckily, years in the courtroom had her more than trained for keeping a straight face in difficult circumstances – little did she realise that it would later be used in all its entirety to deal with a reluctant ex-lover. 

In contrast, it seemed that their years apart had changed Olivia’s default personality, from warm and perpetually forgiving in nature, to stoic and aloof..... unless it was just how she would now respond to her.

Olivia’s lack of either a verbal or physical response only highlighted to Alex how much the other woman had obviously changed during their period apart – because that’s how Alex viewed that time in their lives, ‘a period' and not as the end of an era.

Alex knew that she herself had always been unable to mask her moods or her emotions when it came to Olivia and now her main ‘emotion' in facing Olivia’s wall of perpetual silence was anger.

She could almost see the wheels methodically turning in Olivia’s mind, her agitation clearly increasing each time her attention switched between the ring on Alex’s left hand, her changed post baby appearance and the baby itself that she was cradling gently against her chest. And to be honest, she didn’t know which issue to address first.

As she contemplated her next step, her hand unconsciously began to gently rub her son’s small back. She wanted to keep him calm despite the tsunami of emotions that they were all now currently entangled in, knowing how especially sensitive her baby boy was to changes in his mother’s emotional state. He was already such a sensitive and intuitive soul ..... and everyday it reminded her of Liv's kind and gentle nature.

However, her attention never fully deviated from the woman in front of her.

“Never take your eyes away from the accused" randomly popped up in her head.

It was a phrase that had been drummed into her repeatedly during her law school training and also during her tenure as the ADA for SUV.  
But although her mind reminded her the phrase used the descriptor “accused”, her heart replaced it with the word ‘victim’.   
Because in essence that’s what Olivia was ..... and if she could explain her bizarre actions over the years to her, then perhaps it would be clear to everyone that they were ALL in fact the victims here.   
Each hurt as much as the other.

It took every ounce of reserve she had to try to remain impartial and appear calm in response to Olivia’s clearly passive aggressive behaviour.  
A difficult, perhaps even a ridiculous thing to do, considering that impartiality implied no involvement – and she was very much involved and no doubt even causing the atmosphere that was manifesting itself before her very eyes.

Alex flinched at that realisation and instinctively tightened her arms, wanting the comfort from her son that she was unable to ask for, or felt she deserved from her former partner.  
His presence both comforted and grounded her immensely. The feeling of reassuring warmth and unconditional love emanating from her son increased tenfold when she felt him burrowing further against her neck. 

Olivia had tilted her head slightly at the sight before her, as if surprised by Alex’s automatic maternal actions. However, she was unable to hide the devastation that briefly flickered across her olive-skinned features, showing devastation that Alex would ever consider her a potential threat to the small bundle she cradled protectively in her arms. 

For her part, Alex regretted her involuntary action as soon as her body betrayed her - and Olivia’s expression made her feel ashamed in a way that she had never felt before.   
She worried that Olivia would never forgive her – especially knowing that it had always been an unwarranted fear of hers that thanks to her 'genes' she would eventually turn into the very person she despised most in the world – her violent, rapist of a father.

But it was something about the way Olivia’s eyes seemed to linger whilst tracing her sons every detail that made her heart maintain just a small dash of hope, and she had to fight her natural instinct to reassure, comfort and lovingly embrace the woman who had, and still did, hold the only key to her every happiness.

Rationally she knew that she had to tread carefully - but this prolonged and awkward ‘standoff’ was not what she had envisaged taking place when she had secretly planned their meeting after all these years.  
So, to try and alleviate some of the tense atmosphere, and equally to attempt to draw Olivia’s focus back to the positive aspects of them, she casually began to approach her and start her plan of distraction.

“I’m glad you could come and meet me here today Olivia,” Alex began, her tone lilting and soft as she carefully lifted her son from the shoulder he had been resting on.  
She made a show of rolling it a few times, wanting Olivia to think that she was tired and knowing that Olivia’s chivalrous and caring nature would overtake her desire to keep her at arm’s length.

“I know it’s been a long time, and I appreciate how busy your job keeps you,” she continued, hoping her words would be accepted as innocently as she meant them.

But Olivia said nothing.   
Not a single, solitary word left her full, soft lips.

Alex continued regardless.

She kissed her son’s little button nose, before briefly resting their foreheads together, relishing his calming presence. And then she slowly and carefully placed him against the other side of her chest, closer Olivia.

She kept her movements fluid and slow, not wanting to draw the other woman’s attention to what she was actually deliberately choosing to do, knowing that Olivia hated to feel manipulated.

“I guess a lot has changed for the both of us, huh?” Alex queried, not expecting a response. Instead she shrugged and wrinkled her nose slightly before shaking out her shoulder length blonde hair.

“I hear on the grapevine that congratulations are in order, a bit late I know, but I’m so happy for you Olivia,” she tilted her head in her direction and offered her a small, but genuinely dazzling smile.

But still Olivia just continued to passively gaze at her.

“I’m glad you made Detective 1st grade, I always wanted that for you. You always work so hard.  
I’m so proud of you!”

She then reached down into the baby bag and grabbed the soft homemade binkie that had been with her son since birth - using it to lightly cover him, before then sliding her left hand underneath the bottom of the soft blanket to remove it from Olivia’s sight ..... and hopefully erase the image of the ring from her mind; hoping that the age-old adage: ‘out of sight, out of mind’ would also apply to this particular situation and the 'ring' that she was nowhere near ready to broach a discussion about.

But just to be thorough in her attempt to break through Olivia’s tough outer shell she found herself also deliberately angling her body towards her, effectively putting the baby front and centre of the woman’s penetrating gaze. 

Although Olivia hadn’t said a single word, she also hadn’t left yet.

Alex breathed a quiet sigh of relief at the apparent success of her mission. – and she was doubly pleased that Olivia had already appeared to notice the quirkiness of her son’s double-sided binkie and did not make a scene about it.

Her son wouldn’t sleep without it, the mix of soft fabric and delicate fragrance held within the cloth never failed to comfort him.   
On one side was Alex’s cut up old, faded and soft Harvard t-shirt and the other side was one of Olivia’s Sienna College shirts that she covertly taken with her when she ‘left'.

As she concentrated on keeping her ring finger covered and her son content she heard Olivia speak.

“Ma'am, are you aware that it is a criminal offence to waste Police time?” 

Alex’s head whipped up, her eyes wide in shock and her mouth repeatedly gaping open at the unexpected direction Olivia's response had taken.

“What? You can’t be serious Liv!” came her high pitched and confused response.

The anger in Olivia’s tone quickly became clear in her clipped and short tempered reply.  
“It’s Detective Benson, if you don’t mind!” 

Alex held her breath, knowing that Olivia was trying to distance herself, both emotionally and mentally from the situation at hand. Ordinarily she would have fallen straight into ‘lawyer mode and try to argue her way out of the unpleasant situation, but instead she decided to respond in a more ‘human’ and ‘approachable’ manner. 

“Yes, Detective Benson, I am indeed very much aware of that.”

She then moved forward and tilted her head, clearly indicating that she was prepared to go down this route if that’s what Olivia wanted and once more placed the ball firmly back in her court.

“I am prepared to let you off with a verbal warning this one time. However, I cannot guarantee that another Officer will be as lenient should you feel the need to unnecessarily waste Police time in the future.” 

Her tone lacked any real malice, but it was still firm in its resolve, and worked in creating an emotional distance, as she also created a physical one by moving further away from Alex.

For the woman whose fuse had always been notoriously short, it immediately caused Alex to pace in front of Olivia, her face now red with indignation and her mind erratically racing.

“What the absolute fuck Olivia!” she practically screamed, oblivious to the effect it may have on the baby boy she was still cradling, and only taking him into consideration by lowering her voice when speaking the profanity.

She watched as Olivia instinctively tightened her fists in frustration. She felt no fear because she knew without a doubt that Olivia WOULD NEVER and COULD NEVER physically hurt her.   
Seeing her then once more sliding further away from her, this time having no qualms about making it obvious, only reinforced this certainty.  
Throughout it all though Olivia’s face remained mostly placid, using the mask of it to aid her resolve in remaining stoic and detached from the situation at hand.

Olivia silently fumed.   
She would not allow herself to be coerced or intimidated by Alex’s display of righteous indignation- she knew from their history that it was her attack mechanism when feeling out of control - and it helped her to repeat the fact that this was not the past and she was not the same woman she once was - even if Alex still assumed that she knew how to push her buttons.  
Instead, Olivia concentrated on keeping her heartbeat even in order to calm the anxiety that she could feel begin to build and her desire to run had a chance to firmly re-establish itself.

But Alex was nowhere near done.

“Where the fuck do you get off Olivia?!?” Alex bellowed, her eyes still blazing and her body seemed unable to remain still.  
She made obvious and repeated attempts to try and move closer to Olivia, only the child now beginning to cry in her arms finally distracted her from her task and she concentrated on comforting him by rocking him gently in her arms.

“Shhhh, baby. It’s ok. Shh. Shh. Shh.....  
Mommas got you.  
I’ve got you, baby boy. I’m sorry I shouted honey, Shhh, shhh, shhh, it’s ok, you’re ok” she whispered, keeping her voice soft and even and peppering kisses on his downy head in-between words.

She turned her head to glance angrily at the woman she felt like she no longer knew, her eyes still full of anger and now also betrayal.

“You need to stop trying to push me away Liv.  
What was I supposed to do?” she tried to explain her actions in tricking Olivia into coming to the park.

“you wouldn’t return my calls or my messages! My letters came back as unread- what was I supposed to do?!”

Olivia’s voice was laced with sarcasm when she responded; “How about take the hint?”

Alex was confused.

She watched as Olivia rolled her eyes and expanded on her concise reply.

“Just stop Alex, for once in your selfish life, just stop!  
What on earth would make you think that I would EVER want to see you ..... much less talk to you! Huh? What? Huh?”

She gestured erratically at the other woman, not even able to take pleasure in her open and gaping mouth because she was now lost in her own inner turmoil at having been manipulated into behaving this way.

Alex quickly came back to her senses – lawyer mode not allowing her to simply let that argument stand.

“I’m trying to explain things to you Olivia, to make you understand; how dare you try to make me out to be a monster!  
You were never like this before – no matter what I did before, you had my back!   
You never made me out to be the bad guy!   
What’s changed?   
Why do you seem to hate me so much now?”

Olivia refused to meet her gaze, not wanting her to see how close she actually was to forgiving her.

“I’ve asked you as politely as I can to stop Alex.  
I won’t ask again,” Olivia calmly replied, managing to reign in her temper and not wanting to be drawn further into an argument of which there would be no real winner, only hurt on both sides.

“You are so fucking selfish!” Alex continued, as if lost in her own tunnel visioned diatribe, unable to think or behave rationally.

“I’m sorry you feel that way Alex, but that’s just not how it is. Not back then and certainly not now.”  
She had to raise her voice slightly to be heard over the intensifying cries of Alex’s baby.

“Listen to yourself Olivia, for goodness sake!  
It’s like I DON’T even know you anymore!  
Why won’t you fight back?   
Be reasonable!"

The whole conversation had become somewhat surreal and didn’t show any sign of stopping.

“Dammit Alex!  
You just don’t get it, do you?”

Olivia took several deep breaths, not wanting to raise her voice and risk upsetting the child any further.

“There is NOTHING that you can say that I will EVER want to hear from you. Not now.  
I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you and I have no interest in what you want to say or to tell me.”

Although Olivia’s words lacked venom, they still managed to penetrate Alex’s heart – every, single one of them.   
But she wasn’t giving up without a fight.

“This isn’t what I wanted! You are so goddamn selfish Liv!” She all but sobbed, trying to reach out for Olivia again.

By this point Olivia was emotionally exhausted and she was fighting against every instinct she had.  
– on the one hand she wanted to just open her arms and beg for Alex’s love once more.  
\- and on the other she wanted to scream at her for repeatedly breaking her heart and then run as far and fast as she could in the other direction. 

But she did neither. 

Instead, she channelled an inner emptiness that she had never once previously associated with the woman now sobbing in front of her. Her senses felt overloaded at their closeness and she could smell the familiar perfume that had once ignited her desire on the gentle breeze.  
She knew she had to break the spell that was being cast ... and quickly.

“I really don’t understand what’s happening here Alex and quite frankly, I don’t want to.”

“This isn’t what I wanted!” the other woman whispered again, staring at Olivia.

Olivia was beyond confused, unable to follow Alex’s random verbal trains of thought and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep up her barriers.

“That’s always been your problem Alex,” she mused, “you’re never satisfied.   
You could have the moon handed to you on a silver platter and it still wouldn’t be enough for you!”

Olivia sighed before she continued.

“I gave you EVERYTHING I had to give,” she whispered, “and you threw it away like rotten garbage on the street ...... not once Alex, not twice, but more than three times ..... because IT wasn’t enough for you ....... because I wasn’t enough for you....... and now you have to live with those choices.  
I will not absolve your conscience now that you’ve decided you finally want to face up to things.  
It means nothing now, NOT to me, NOT anymore.   
So, take your child, take ..... your ring and your perfect little life and leave me the hell alone."

Distress clouded Alex’s eyes momentarily, almost as if she was unable to comprehend the words being spoken to her, despite their honesty.  
Instead she wordlessly held up her left hand, and carefully removed the ring that had adorned it, without jostling her son too much and she held it out towards Olivia. 

“Is this supposed to be some grand gesture?” Olivia queried, scratching her eyebrow and attempting to act uninterested.

“And you call yourself a police Officer,” Alex lightly mocked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I mean Detective,” she quickly corrected in deference to Olivia’s earlier outburst, before she continued.   
“I’m sorry today didn’t turn out how expected, I truly am. But I’m not giving up on .... you .... or .... us,” she continued, trying to rein in her emotions now.

“You know what’s so fucking ironic Al-ex?" Olivia jeered back in response.

"Years ago Iall but begged you to have a family with me. I practically got down on my goddamn knees!   
....... And you told me that children just didn’t factor in your future...  
I loved you so damn much that I knew I could get past it because I had found a woman that I WANTED spend and share the rest of my life with ..... and it turns out that she never loved me.... not once.  
She felt no remorse in leaving MULTIPLE times, then she ignores and avoids me for YEARS, despite living in the same city ..... and then, she turns up out of the blue with a child in her arms and expects the world to bend to her whim....  
Bet you think that’s hilarious, right?”

Alex tried to school her features before responding.  
“I don’t know what to say to that Liv, it’s not fair, it's really not.  
But it wasn’t planned, I swear to you.   
Liv, I didn’t do this to set out to hurt you.   
I NEVER, ever wanted to hurt you."

"This, he......” she said gesturing towards her son, “is not here today to hurt you – I would never, NEVER do that to you.   
But, and perhaps it was incredibly selfish of me, ...... I want you to WANT him.... – I want you to love and cherish him as much as I do – you’re the best person I know .... and he needs you ...... I know you don’t know why or how yet, but,” and she paused to take a deep breath, gesturing at the ring still laying in her open palm,  
“but .... I swear,” she continued, “just ..... give me a chance to explain ..... just one chance ...... I’m begging you .... you owe me that much.”

The vein on the side of Olivia’s forehead began to pulse rhythmically in anger at Alex’s response.  
Her eyes, which at one time had regarded her with only affection and love, now conveyed only anger and hurt.  
It was clear that she was struggling to contain herself and her emotions. The rhythmic clenching of her fists once again indicated just how much.

Unfortunately, the only words she chose to hear were ‘selfish of me', ‘he needs you' and ‘you owe me that much.’  
And it was then that the red mist descended over her and she could not stop the verbal tirade that left her lips. 

“What the fuck did I ever do to you that makes you think that you have the right to treat me this way?  
Huh?  
What makes you so high and mighty?" she declared.

"You go and get yourself knocked up by some schmuck and what?  
Now you want everyone to believe you’re fucking mother earth and I should be grateful you want me to be a part of your child’s life?

You have got to be kidding me!

I don’t owe you a single damn thing and I owe him.......,” she said, automatically lowering her tone to a gentler one, as her eyes gave away her verbal contradiction by the way they were almost physically caressing his innocent form, “.....even less."

"I though my childhood was bad .......”

and now she paused, knowing with every fibre of her being that what she was about to say was a disgracefully low blow, but she needed to push Alex away harder than ever now, 

“.......but I pity that kid having you for a mother..... because what happens when he’s not enough for you Alex?   
Will you walk away from him too?”

The tension in Alex’s body at her vicious outburst was palpable and Olivia knew that there was no coming back from it.   
Ever.  
Alex would never forgive her, not now.  
And her shame at having said those poisonous words would never allow her to apologise ..... because she knew no words would ever be enough.

It was as if the child Alex carried could sense the tension and chose to break it the only way a child could - by full on screaming.  
Instead of having time to immediately contemplate Olivia’s harsh words she had to focus on trying to calm her son.   
She sillently berated the fact that nothing was ever simple.  
Not with them.   
Never with them.  
Everything always became so intense.  
It became desperate, it became passionate and it became personal.

If anything, Olivia was more of an emotionally passionate person than herself, yet Olivia had always preferred to take the backseat in their relationship.   
She continually sought Alex’s approval, needed to always prove herself to be a worthy partner, a worthy lover ...... to be a person WORTH loving ..... and despite her prior ‘notorious’ reputation as the ‘love em and leave em' type, Olivia was so much more than that, at least to Alex. 

She knew that Olivia had always outwardly portrayed that she never cared what other people thought about her.   
She seemed content to be perceived as the ‘butch one' in their relationship, as the one ‘punching above her weight' by capturing Alex, but the truth was – Olivia cared desperately what other people thought about her.   
Her insecurities, especially in the eyes of others caused her to second guess everything in her personal life ...... the very reason for her existence only fuelled the self-hatred she managed to mask from everyone .... everyone but Alex.

And now, even after their separations and prolonged estrangement, Olivia was still trying to force herself into the role her mind wanted her to play, rather than face the truth of the situation.

Alex wanted to scream at the injustice and ludicrousness of it all.

They were both hurting!!

And Olivia was under the impression that Alex had moved on and now had the exact life that she had always refused to contemplate when they were together ...... if only Liv knew the truth...

Yet despite it all, instinctively Alex still wanted to shy away from accepting the blame – because to do that she would have to accept that she had in fact, all but left Olivia alone, bereft and childless.

Her lawyer mind immediately came back with a rebuttal – she doubted Liv had wasted any time in moving on – had she mourned her even 6 months before she was back to her previous preference of meaningless, faceless one-night stands?   
And IF Liv had done just that, was SHE the one now in fact in the wrong?   
Would it alleviate some of the overwhelming guilt she felt to blame Olivia for moving on without a second glance backwards?

Were either of them actually to blame for the shit hand that life had repeatedly dealt them?

A part of her wanted to be happy if Liv had moved on - because she couldn’t bear the thought of Liv leading a lonely and empty life.   
But if she was honest, just the thought of someone else touching Liv, someone else loving her, or god forbid, making love with her, caused her almost physical pain, like she had been cheated on –   
and she knew she had no right to feel like the victim ..... despite what she herself had gone through.   
It just hurt that she had to be the bad guy...... because it was a role that she knew would force her to acknowledge that the majority of the blame for this situation actually belonged to her.  
Especially after her duplicitous actions today.

Her mind just would not rest - if only Liv would let her explain!

She would tell her that her life without her had been a half-life, a fabrication and an illusion..... and not always of her own making.......   
How that it was only when her baby had been born, that she had understood the same kind of soul deep love that she had felt for her.

She could feel the familiar feelings resurface in force, not that they were ever far away...... they just always seemed to be stronger the closer they physically were.

And as she took a breath to try and calm herself before resorting to begging the woman she had once been committed to for forgiveness and understanding, the melodious tone of her cell phone began to ring from inside of the baby bag resting by her feet.

Without even blinking she placed the baby into Olivia’s surprised arms and began to reach to answer it, when she heard; 

“You have got to be shitting me!” from Olivia.

But she made no move to take him back, just as, despite her initial protest Olivia made no move to hand him back.

Alex raised her eyebrow at Olivia’s initial churlishness, knowing as she picked up her cell phone that she had made a step forward in terms of progress, but she said nothing to draw attention to it, not wanting Olivia to fall back into her old default pattern of emotional unavailability and physical distance.

Luckily for her, Olivia wasn’t paying her the slightest bit of attention. She was fully mesmerised by the bundle cradled in her arms, slowly and carefully reaching down to softly stroke the soft, chubby cheek, and making sure she didn’t jostle him from his now light slumber.

Alex wasn’t even aware she was holding her breath until the person on the other end of the line spoke repeatedly louder until they finally had her attention.  
But even that interlude was short lived when she witnessed Liv press a quick, light kiss to her son’s head before beginning to lightly rock him.   
She was a natural mother – just as Alex knew she always would be.

“Cabot,” came her curt and very much distracted greeting when she finally returned to the call.

She could see Olivia now turning the tables by carefully watching her and her responses, both verbal and non - obviously trying to figure out just who was on the phone.   
But her attention was clearly torn - not wanting to waste a moment of having the child she had always dreamed of finally in her arms.

Maybe Alex was right, she briefly thought ...... maybe he does need me ..... maybe I could love him...... 

But her irrational fear and inability to move beyond her violent and degrading conception still controlled every aspect and relationship in her life. 

She simply couldn’t risk getting close to him .... letting him close to her .... because he deserved so much more than her ..... just like his mother always had.

As Alex’s attention switched between the person on the other end of the line and the sight she had long dreamed of taking place in front of her, she couldn’t help the smile that lit up her entire face.   
The sense of serenity that had flashed across Olivia’s face whilst gazing at her young son suddenly made this day worth it.

Only now did she take the time to answer the other person on the end of the line.

“Well, hello to you too!” she lightly replied, knowing that this call was always going to happen.

She purposely chose to ignore Olivia now, going so far as to walk a few steps away from her as she saw the flash of panic yet resignation settle on that beautiful brown eyed face. 

“Take him back,” she heard Liv whisper, gently holding the baby out to her, who was now awake and lightly fussing at the lack of body heat and cuddles.

Alex didn’t move, not even when her son began to lightly cry at Liv's emotional and physical distance.

Olivia tried again.

“You need to take him.  
He needs you, not me.   
He doesn’t know me.” 

But instinctively she couldn’t stop herself from holding him close against her chest again and letting him snuggle into her neck in order to comfort him. 

It was like she felt drawn to protect him.

She noted that it felt good.   
It felt natural.  
It was how she wanted her life to be.  
And just as quickly she remembered that THIS wasn’t her life.

“You literally just saw us this morning!” she heard Alex reply again, shaking her head in mirth at the caller.

“I can’t do this Alex – please...” Olivia interrupted again.

Alex continued to ignore her, tried to cover the microphone in order to prevent Olivia’s voice from carrying down the line, knowing that it would worry the caller if they heard.

“Erm ..... hmmm?  
Oh, nothing,” she responded to the caller at their obvious concern at the background situation they could hear.

“Hmmmm?  
Oh, fine, I guess.  
Colder than I expected,” she replied mysteriously, eyeing Olivia warily.

The conversation continued.

“She’s ok now...... no, no – that’s fine."  
“No, I haven’t forgotten!” She indignantly replied.

She could see Olivia becoming more agitated the longer she ignored her and the longer the one-sided conversation she could hear continued.   
And before she could interrupt, with what Alex knew would be her next self recrimination, she turned to her and stated; 

“He does know you Liv, trust me.   
He knows EXACTLY who you are, and he is more than happy to finally be in your arms.” 

And in her mind she silently added; “I just wish you’d let me back as easily into your arms too.”

She kept the phone between her ear and shoulder to free up her arm so she could pull the binkie off her shoulder and hand it to Liv – hoping it would keep her distracted for a moment longer, especially as she made sure it was facing the Sienna college side up.

She then quickly turned back to her conversation.

“No, no.   
Honestly it’s fine.   
I’m going to do it now – that’s what we agreed.  
I just ...... I don’t know if...” she rubbed her eyes wearily.  
“ ..... I don’t know if it will make a difference or not ..... not now.”

Olivia was still holding on carefully to the baby, and Alex watched her wrinkle her nose in delight as the baby now wriggled happily against her, blowing a light raspberry against her neck as if trying to help focus and calm her.

She had to hide her grin at the flicker of earnest delight that flashed across Olivia’s expressive face and quickly schooled her features before continuing with her call.

“I guess I’ll, ...... well, ..... WE'LL deal with it, IF or WHEN it happens,” she sighed in resignation.

“Of course that’s not what I want!   
But it’s out of my hands, admit it!   
If I have to then yes, I’ll move.   
It’s a no brainer.” 

Olivia’s eyes darted to hers, filled with a mix of fear, confusion and anger – and in that moment she realised that Olivia HAD been listening to EVERYTHING, the cop in her would do no less – and she obviously thought that Alex was leaving ...again.

“Mmmhmmm, ok. Yep. Will do.   
Yes, of course. I will call and let you know how it goes.  
Bye now.”

She ended the call, almost sad to have to return her attention to the most current misunderstanding she was now facing.

Olivia deliberately refused to look at her, her cheek resting briefly against the baby’s head before she threw the binkie back at Alex.

“Take it!” she demanded, her tone not indicating which direction her mood was now headed.

As Alex caught it she almost missed the sheen of tears in Olivia’s eyes that were allowed to show only a moment of weakness.

“And take ... him” Olivia held the child away from herself, waiting for Alex to comply.

“Is that what you really want?” she replied, genuine confusion in her voice, as Olivia’s words and body language were currently in conflict.

“I don’t appreciate being manipulated..... or used,”  
Olivia spat out, as if the words personally pained her. Her tone now void of all emotion and her voice unyielding.

As Alex hesitated, her small son started to fuss and she watched Olivia struggle with her natural instinct to want to comfort him.

“I’m not doing this with you Alex.  
Not now. Not ever,” Olivia stated clearly.

“Liv, I have a right to explain. I deserve that at least ...” 

She was about to continue when Olivia held the child against herself briefly so she could hold her hand up, as a 'stop' to what Alex was about to say, and as a surprising consequence the baby immediately snuggled back into ‘his spot' against her neck and stopped fussing.

“You have no rights Alex.  
Not to me and definitely not to MY time ..... not anymore.  
I came here under your deliberately planned fake call out.... and I won’t fall for it again.   
So. Take. Your. Son.” 

Alex shook her head, stubbornly eye balling Olivia when she again moved the child from against her body and held him towards his mother for her to take.

Almost immediately his tears started again and again Alex made no attempt to take him. 

Olivia fought with herself not to lose her temper at the familiar stubborn streak that the blonde was demonstrating, remembering how it had once both frustrated and turned her on.   
And she knew it was now being used to manipulate her.

“As I said, I came here out of trust, which you abused, and you did it willingly and without remorse..... and I’m not ok with that Alex ..... I’m just not!  
I don’t know how many ways or times I have to make it clear to you that I’m not interested in anything you have to say...... but I WILL say this...... ”

She bent down to pick up the baby bag, placing it carefully on Alex’s empty shoulder and then gently placed the baby back into his mother’s arms.

“I’m sorry that your life isn’t how you planned it.  
I’m sorry you can’t ....” she paused briefly, “that you can’t have your own way for once in your selfish little life.  
I’m sorry you’re so angry that I want nothing to do with you.  
But I refuse to take the blame for the problems that you have in your life, a life that I have not been a part of for nearly 5 years now.”

She began to walk away, not wanting to wait for Alex’s response to her declaration.

“And one more thing Alex,” she said, not bothering to even turn back around to face her;

“I don’t care what you want to say about anything, it means next to nothing to me.  
But if I, ever, EVER see you so much as look in my direction again, or even think about trying to contact me....... then all bets will be off.”

“I’m not giving up Liv!   
I’ll never give up on you!   
I’m not walking away, not this time!” she heard shouted from behind her.

“You WILL Alex .... because that’s all you know how to do .......”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my first few chapters, feedback is alway awesome to receive.   
> Here's chapter 4 - enjoy!

Chapter 3

Olivia tipped her head back, stretching out the kinks in her neck that came from reviewing the same crime scene evidence that had held her attention since she had returned back to the office after her disastrous and unexpected meeting with Alex.

She heard her neck pop as she tilted her head slowly to each side and her mouth opened in a silent “ouch" at the slight twinges of pain that came as a result.

As she removed her glasses in order to rub her tired eyes, glasses that she would always deny needing as much as she actually did, the delicate ring that had adorned the ring finger of Alex’s left hand once more invaded her mind. And as usual there were more questions than answers.

What did it mean? 

Why was she wearing it?

Who gave it to her?

And more importantly, why did she accept it?

Now that Olivia knew about it, it was all that she could think about ..... and it was driving her crazy......

Because now, it wasn’t just a ring on Alex’s finger, it was an albatross – a noose of uncertainty around her own neck that was getting tighter and tighter as the hours wore on.

It might be on the correct hand, but it was the wrong ring and ultimately given to Alex by the wrong person. It should have been HER ring that Alex was wearing – that’s what was supposed to have been.

Her mind swam with regrets.

She should have been firmer when Alex repeatedly said “no" to meeting up with her when she first came back from Witsec and EVERY other time after that. She should have held her ground and gone with her heart and not her head.

Instead she had let Alex slip through her fingers.... and they had lost so much time. 

The anger she felt almost overwhelmed her, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to hate the other woman, not even now.

But nor was it friendship, or could it ever be again – that ship had sailed long ago.

What she couldn’t seem to move past was the betrayal and hurt that had ruled her life since the first day Alex left ..... only growing deeper each and every time she did it again.

As a consequence her heart had hardened – not towards the victims who needed her – but towards those who would try to ‘reach' out to her on a deeper level, to those wanting to love or be loved by her.

Alex had systematically destroyed her and all that she had stood for. And as a consequence all that was left of her was an emotionless, lonely and hardened woman with the repeated need for self destruction.

She was living, but it was without love .... it was safer that way ..... and it always would be.

Even now, at just the thought of the word, she could feel the uncomfortable and foreign weight of it settling in her chest.  
It almost made her eyes water at the ache it caused, making her breath catch in her throat and her heart almost stop beating in her chest.

Her mind chanted;   
forget about her! She’s moved on! You’re nothing to her!”

But there was always the small shred of fear that lingered - of being alone forever - it was why she continued to seek out one night stands .... just to not be alone or feel empty for a small moment in time ...... well, for now, at least.

She sighed deeply, remembering a time when a ring would have made her unbelievably happy. A ring that would be given to a person whose soulful blue eyes and impish smile would remain etched in her memory .... but that person was gone.  
They left..... and then they left her.

And now she would not let them come back - time had hardened her heart and solidified her resolve.

Her hand reached for her coffee mug, knowing that she needed the caffeine boost to survive the rest of the afternoon and she inwardly cursed at it’s empty state, almost wishing it could be something stronger she filled it with.

Usually her drink of choice would be a herbal tea, thanks to her new health kick, or occasionally a glass of wine after a hard day at work, but if she was going to last the day then it was because she was fuelled on coffee ..... and when she once again thought of that cursed ring she knew that she was also fuelled by her tangled emotions.

As she slipped her glasses back on and ran her fingers through her much longer than usual dark hair she heard the soft ‘ping' that had been repeatedly resonating through the SVU office.  
She didn’t even need to glance at her own cell phone to know that it still lay dormant on her desk, and she allowed herself a small smile as she watched the only other occupant of the office pick up his cell phone and smile at whatever he was seeing on it’s screen.

Finding the last bit of energy and inclination that she had, she silently left her desk, making her way to the thankfully still half full coffee pot that now resided in the corner of the open plan office.  
She allowed the aroma of the dark liquid to fill her senses, before taking a quick but necessary sip – scalding her tongue in the process.  
It was potent stuff – obviously the remains of a ‘Munch special' that he tended to favour when it was his turn to brew.

As she blew softly across the surface of her drink and watched the ripples that crossed it in response, she once again heard the soft ‘ping' permeate her senses.

Before she was really aware of her actions, Olivia had walked towards his office, poking her head around the door frame and offering its owner her patented lopsided grin, startling the occupant as she smiled fondly at him.

She couldn’t help but notice the picture on his cell phone screen.

It was of a smiley baby boy, in a little blue romper suit, with a small white NYPD sun hat on his head as he slept peacefully in a car seat.

Olivia was surprised to say the least at what she saw, and maybe a little saddened by the fact she obviously knew so little about the man who was once like a father to her.   
He was now regarding her with a look of trepidation on his weathered face.

“He’s a handsome little fellow, Cap!  
and he’s so small!” she smiled, placing her hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently in reassurance.

She saw the look of confusion briefly cloud his features before he fully grasped her true meaning and then his eyebrows nearly reached his hairline when he realised the implication.

“Oh, I’m not .... that is to say, yeah ... he’s a good-looking little chap, even more so in real life, he takes after his mama like that .... but, he’s not .... well .... any relation to me!” he finally managed to get out.

“Oh god!  
Cap! I’m so sorry!  
That was so rude and insensitive of me – forgive me.”

Olivia made to step away, a personal conversation that would have once flowed so naturally from her lips now felt foreign and uncomfortable to her.

“I shouldn’t even have interrupted you.” Her eyes refused to meet his.

“It’s just, you looked so proud when you were looking at the photo .... and I guess, I jumped to conclusions.  
I’m, I’m sorry Cap.”

Cragen, waved away her apology and simply smiled beckoning her closer before he pointed out the text that was on the bottom of the photo that read:  
“Thanks for my hat 'Grandpa Don', I think it makes me look even cuter than normal! 😊”

Olivia had to squint even with her glasses on to read it.

“Ah,” smiled Olivia.  
“So your honorary grandson then?” she questioned, wanting to know more about the man in front of her.

“Hmmm, mmmm, you know my wife and I .... couldn’t have kids of our own – it just never happened.” He shrugged sadly.

“But it’s nice to be an honorary one – you know?” He smiled as he handed his cell phone to Olivia for a closer look.

Another soft ping alerted them both to another message - the name ‘Junior' flashed on the screen momentarily.

Olivia looked at Cragen with a smirk and a raised eyebrow as she tried to hand him back his phone.  
“Just a ‘friend’, hmmm?” she teased, enjoying seeing the usually stoic man blushing at her innuendo.

“Junior?” she queried.

He reached over, allowing the phone to remain in her open palm, as he opened the latest message. Only this time it was a video clip.

They both watched as a woman’s hand entered the frame and gently stroked the slumbering child’s cheek. It took only a moment before a miniature pair of deep blue eyes slowly opened up and a sleepy half smile, half raspberry bubble came from the little pink rosebud lips.

“Well, he certainly is adorable, I’ll give him that!” Olivia chuckled, desperately ignoring the clenching of her heart at what could have been for her and Alex. 

“And it seems he has his honorary ‘Grandpa" already wrapped around his little finger!” she exclaimed as she pointed at his little NYPD Sunhat.

Cragen smiled somewhat ruefully, but nodded- “what can I say? I’m a sucker for those blue eyes!”

“May I?” Olivia asked, indicating she wanted to watch the video once more. There was just something about the baby that seemed so familiar – she just couldn’t put her finger on it.

“Sure,” Cragen beamed up at her, encouraged by her apparent interest in something apart from work, as had been her default mode for past few years.

“He’s easy to fall in love with, isn’t he?” he asked, watching her carefully.

Olivia bit her lip, but nodded and tilted her head, smiling softly as she re-watched the clip. There was something about the delicate wrist and hand that entered the frame to caress the baby’s face that had seemed familiar to her.  
But it was the child’s eyes that had her mesmerised.

“He's so small!” Olivia marvelled, “and those eyes!  
“How old is he?”

“Erm, well, technically I don’t think he was due until 3 weeks ago sometime. But officially he’s nearly 12 weeks old,” he replied.

Olivia’s eyes darted up to meet his full of shock and concern.

“Wow! That’s early! Oh, goodness! Is he ok?”

Cragen could hear the genuine tone of concern in her voice and it reassured him that he had been right to disclose at least some of the information that she needed to know .... even if she didn’t quite realise why she needed to know it at this moment in time ..... and maybe not at all if Alex had her way.

“He is now,” and he paused as if to gather his thoughts.

“There were some complications with the pregnancy, an emergency early birth, and he spent quite a few weeks in the special care baby unit up in Maine.  
But, he’s a fighter – just like his mama” he proudly declared.

Olivia once again raised her eyebrow, this time in surprise at his passionate response, and she watched as he shook his head and chuckled at her once more jumping to conclusions.

“Hey! Get your mind out of gutter young lady! I’m way too old for romance nowadays, and trust me, I’m definitely not his mama’s type.  
Now you ...” he trailed off as she caught the implication, a delicate blush rising on her olive-skinned cheeks.

“Ah, say no more,” she chuckled, shyly gazing away. She had never spoken to him about her sexual orientation, or about her relationship with Alex – Elliott had been the only one who had known about it .... and what a mistake telling him had been! 

She was sure he had probably heard some of the ridiculous rumours about her ‘dating life’ around the precinct, as well as the jokes the team would make about her being ‘irresistible’ and having ‘swagger' - although the majority of it was quite simply not true ...... but, some of it was.

It wasn’t something she was particularly proud of, casual sex and one night stands with strangers. But, after the repeating cycles of Alex leaving, returning and avoiding making contact with her it was how she coped..... and for a while it worked as a distraction. 

Maybe she should have given the Captain more credit than to think he couldn’t connect the dots that detailed her life.

“But you’re close though, right?” she queried, wanting to deflect the topic away from herself. Selfishly she also wanted to learn more about the life of the man she had missed out on by deliberately keeping him at arm’s length since Alex’s first departure all those years ago. 

It wasn’t a personal thing – it was a ‘protective’ thing. She just pulled away from everyone and everything that had held an important place in her life ..... because what was the point? Everyone always eventually left her and everything always ended.   
And it was never on her own terms.

But she could change it.   
She wanted to change it.   
It was time.

He seemed to think carefully about her question for a moment before he finally answered, as if wanting to choose his words carefully.

“I think I’m closer to her now than before, and certainly more than most people now – but that’s only because she’s had a real rough time of it and she purposely pushed people away to try and hide what was happening .... and to protect herself .... and her son," he mused, watching as Olivia seemed to take those words to heart and knowing how it must resonate with her, especially after exhibiting similar behaviour patterns for the past few years.

“But, she’s made a lot of changes recently, luckily mostly positive ones. And this little one here,” he said, as he raised the cell phone that was still showing the picture of the baby boy, “has helped significantly with that. He’s given her the courage to change, to put both of their needs first and to no longer be afraid.....  
so, she’s slowly trying to reach out to her friends ..... to reconnect with those she loves again.”

He watched Olivia’s expressive chocolate eyes moisten with the sheen of tears and he briefly hoped that she was realising that there was still a way back for her too, a way for her to be happy again ..... if she was brave enough to reach out for it.

“That’s a good thing, Cap,” she declared softly, not trusting her voice not to break.

“Everybody needs support ..... and friendship in their life ........,” and her voice did crack here, and she swiped her eyes quickly, “and .... love.... especially with a young baby to care for too. Mistakes... can be forgiven ....”

He hoped that those weren’t just empty words to her. 

He hoped that her unexpected and emotional response meant that she truly knew that her life too would be more fulfilled with support, friendship ... and love in it.

But most of all he hoped that she would accept that she deserved it .... she deserved to love and be loved. And she had 2 people who needed her and her love right in front of her.

“She’s lucky to have you.”

Cragen smiled at the unexpected compliment. He seemed to pause before deciding to just say what came next naturally.

“She could always do with more ‘friends’ though ..... if you want to meet her .... and the baby .... of course. They’re kinda a 2 for 1 deal” he said, watching Olivia closely for a reaction.

“Me?”

He heard the familiar tone of doubt that tinged her words, knowing how insecure she was about her self worth – despite the tough front of bravado she wore at work.

“I.... well, ..... I’m not so great with babies” she began. But when she saw the look of hope on her Captain’s face and knowing that this was the most personal conversation she had had with the man in more years than she could count, she didn’t want to lose the rapport they had only just started to redevelop.

“But I’d love to.  
Of course I would!”  
Her tone was somewhat hesitant, but she couldn’t help the smile that came in response to the huge grin that broke out over Cragen's usually stoic features, and she knew that she had made the right choice..... for once.

As Cragen was about to continue talking they heard the commotion at the outer doors of the office, indicating that some more of the squad was back.

Olivia’s head fell as she anticipated just who would walk through those doors and just how she would have to stop herself from responding in the way he deserved in order not to lose her job.   
She was slowly hating him more and more, minute by minute and day by day. A man that she had once felt as close to as a brother had become an embittered, volatile and spiteful homophobic bigot.   
And he aimed all his vitriol at her.

She felt Cragen place his hand carefully upon her own on top of the scratched and worn the desk, squeezing gently as if wanting to give her some of his own strength for what was to follow.

“I would offer you a hug,” he joked, knocking her shoulder gently with his own, to try and lift her mood and distract her from the latest showdown that was about to occur, “but I think I’m going to save that for ‘Junior!"  
He grinned and he watched as she shook her head in silent laughter, managing to get out - “well, he HAS got more hair than you!” before patting his hand and making her way back across the office to her desk, leaving him to head off for his meeting at 1PP, and thankful that he wouldn't be around to see what was about to unfold.

The pain between her eyes was back, the sharp stabbing pain that not could not even be mildly alleviated with the aid of medication. She rubbed her temples wearily. 

Wilfully ignoring the arrival of her partner was not a new thing for her, the dynamic of their partnership having long since changed, both due to personal and professional difference.   
To be honest, she had been toying with idea of asking the Captain to switch partners – it wasn’t a decision she wanted to take lightly, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could continue with their tenuous and destructive relationship.

As had become habit, she didn't acknowledge Elliott, but nodding her head subtly in acknowledgment towards Fin and Munch.   
The case they were currently working had shown up no new leads and the perp was still in the wind.   
The frustration was evident for all of them, they just handled it better than Elliott.   
It was why her ‘little visit’ to the park on an obviously fake pretence was pissing her off so much – it was wasted Police time, especially when their perp was still out potentially picking his next rape target – and all so Elliott could get in his latest dig at her expense.

She could feel his eyes on her from the moment he realised that she was in the room and even when she refused to look up he continued to stare intently at her across their desk.   
It was a power play. Perhaps in some ways their ‘relationship’ always had been.

He wanted to prove that he was dominant, he was driven to prove he was, and she was tired of it, but she resolutely refused to make eye contact. She kept her head down and continued quietly filling out her paperwork, not even blinking at Munch or Fin as they bickered their way towards the coffee station.

It was the ringing of her desk phone that finally diverted her attention, followed by a deep sigh leaving her full lips.

“Hey baby girl, I got this – take it easy,” Fin hollered across the room as he made his way to his desk to pick up the call.

She smiled tiredly at him.

“She lost the use of her arms now?” Elliott muttered darkly, his jealousy at his partners closeness with another member of their squad clouding his judgement.

“SVU, Detective Tutuola speaking.”

Elliott huffed again, before making as much noise as possible unloading the odorous food he’d bought for lunch from the greasy covered brown bag it was hidden in.   
As usual he thought of no one else’s needs, not bothering to pick up anything for anyone else, despite them all working the last 3 days straight.   
They had all tried to cut him some slack, but his behaviour was only getting worse each day that Kathy refused to let him back home – their marriage for all intents and purposes was over, anyone could see that ..... Elliott just had to accept it.

The guys had tried to be supportive. Giving him a couch to sleep on, clubbing together to lend him the money for a deposit on an apartment, and when all else failed, being a drinking partner whilst he was drowning the truth of his life in whiskey.   
But it wasn’t enough. Not for Elliott. If he was miserable then he wanted everyone to know it .... and everyone to damn well feel the same way.

As much as Olivia hated to admit it she knew how spiteful and short tempered her partner could be, having been on the end of his ire on more than one occasion.   
She didn’t want to write him off as a bad man, but he was hell bent on making everyone, and especially her, as miserable as he was. And he showed no remorse for it.

“Hey Liv!” Fin's voice distracted her from watching Elliott stuff an over filled burrito into his mouth. 

“I’m sorry girl, but they’re adamant they only wanna talk wit-choo.” Fin rolled his eyes in apology.

She sighed deeply, wondering when her shitty day would ever come to an end and took a moment to rub her face tiredly, having forgone her time for rest in the cribs thanks to Elliott’s latest stunt – this time using Alex as his weapon.

“Christ! Since when do they get given a choice about who they talk to?” came Elliot’s irrelevant but angered two cents worth.   
He wiped the burrito sauce off his chin, missing the chunk that covered his 5-day old tie and scowled before taking another bite.

“Let the ‘Princess',” he jeered in Liv's direction, “take a break – maybe she needs to go change her tampax or something. Heaven forbid she has to do any REAL police work round here! I'll take it,” he growled, swallowing his latest mouthful.

“Yo! What the fuck is your problem man!” Fin stood up from his desk, anger blazing in his usually gentle eyes as he called out Elliot’s latest derogatory remarks towards Liv.

“Forget it Fin,” she said softly, her lopsided smile and a shrug of her shoulders indicating her surrender, “he’s not worth it.”

It was like a red rag to a bull.

“Maybe if you take the ‘dick’ out out of your ass ‘princess' you might actually be able to, you know, ‘detect' instead of fucking around," Elliot sneered at her.

“I think the vernacular you meant was ‘stick out of your ass' ...” came Munch's unhelpful input. “It actually comes from ...”

“Hey Munch! Shut yo bony ass up! You ain’t helpin!”  
Fin rolled his eyes, before he went back to staring Stabler down.

“No, I’m pretty sure I meant DICK,” Elliot sneered, leering at Liv from across the desk.

“We all know that if she spent more time working and less time on her back for anyone who happens to look her way, then she might actually get some Police work done!”

There was a brief moment of shocked silence from the guys, whilst Liv herself just dropped her head and resolutely stared at her desk top, before Fin launched himself at Elliot from across the room.   
Despite having no desire to protect the man who was once her best friend from the fat lip he fully deserved, she knew that she needed to stop Fin from getting written up, because like she said, Elliot wasn’t worth it.

She jumped up from her desk, placing herself in Fin's path and resting her open palms on his firm chest.   
“Fin, please, for me, please, don’t do this,” she said softly.

His dark brown eyes were blazing in anger as he pushed against her to get to the man who was showing no remorse for his vile words.

“Fin .... please. He’s not worth it.

He can’t hurt me. It’s fine. Forget it.”

Liv's words seemed to spur Elliot on.

“You getting some of her now Fin? Gotta say man, didn’t think sloppy seconds was your style.... but each to their own ..... bet she let’s you put it anywhere though, right? Why else would you protect that whore?”

Liv turned her head sharply towards him, her palms pressing firmer against Fin's chest as she felt his anger radiating from him.

“Knock it off Elliot! We get it! You’re hurting so you take it out on us because you’ve pushed your wife and family away – but you need to stop.   
Sending me on a wild goose chase to Central Park was a waste of Police time and just fucking cruel! And so is this .... this.... behaviour! Stop now!”

“Fuck you Liv! You think you know it all don’t you?!” he hollered at her, slamming his hands down on his desk. “Well, you know shit!   
Don’t tell me how to do my fucking job just because this woman you met didn’t ‘put out' for you .... either on the information front or the personal one!”

“You better back the hell up Stabler before I make you!” Fin hissed, anger still lacing his tone but his body remained still as per Liv's request.

Cynical laughter filled the room, as Elliot stepped around his desk.

“She’s more of a man than you are! You want to come for me, then come for me punk!”

“I feel like I should point out that we still have a potential victim on the line and she’s waiting to talk to someone ...” Munch's passive voice filled the momentary silence.

“I said I’d take it, for fucks sake! Not my fault these morons decide to touch each other up in the office.”

“Erm, Elliot? Every offence meant here ....” Munch started to respond, having stayed silent throughout his bullying tirade, but covertly texting Cragen to get him back to the office asap;  
“but you’re an insensitive ass, and in the mood you’re currently in no victim deserves to be within 2 feet of you.   
So as the Senior Officer here, I’m telling you to step back and let Liv deal with this. Because if you can’t or won’t then you’re done for the day.”

“Bout time you said something!” Fin mumbled, as Liv softly patted his cheek and pushed him back to his desk to transfer the call.

“Sure you don’t want to give him a hand job whilst you're at it?” Elliot asked Liv, whilst gesturing at her palm still resting on Fin's cheek.

He turned to head back to his desk, smugness radiating from him at getting his latest quip in, pulling out his chair to sit, as Fin hollered, “that’s it man!” and he slipped past Olivia before kicking the chair straight out from under Elliot. 

All hell broke loose.

Fin had Elliot by his tie, dragging him up from the crumpled heap he had made as he fell to the ground after missing his chair and his fist was poised to strike.

Munch's voice permeated the air.   
“Fin! Don’t do it! Like Olivia said, he’s not worth it and he’s done for the day. Step away and transfer the call to Olivia.”

Munch slowly walked over to the coat rack, pulling Elliot’s jacket from it and tossing it on his desk, not caring that it landed on the messy remnants of his lunchtime burrito.

“Elliot, go. Now!”

“Please Fin,” Olivia whispered next to Fin's ear, her hand resting over his on his grasp of Elliot's tie. “For me, please.”

Fin paused momentarily before tossing Elliot back to the ground and his hand squeezed Olivia’s briefly before he slowly made his way back to his desk.

It took a moment for Elliot to get back to his feet. His face was beet red, both from the choking with his tie and from the humiliation that flowed through him at being manhandled in front of the rest of the squad.   
He picked up his chair and sat down, as if nothing had happened, ignoring his jacket that Munch had placed on his desk and resolutely ignoring the order to go home.

“SVU, this Sergeant Benson speaking, how can I help you?” 

Her voice was gentle, calm and melodic – it was a voice that Elliot only ever heard now in exasperation and veiled upset when used towards to him. 

“Ma'am? Ma'am? Are you still there?”

The room was silent.

This was a monumental fuck up.   
On everyone’s behalf.

And they all knew it.

Personal business had bleached over into professional, and as a result they may have lost a victim before they could even begin to help them.

“Ma'am? This is Sergeant Benson, you’re ok, we’re here to help. Please, talk to me. Please, let me help you.”

“Liv?” came the sobbing voice.

“Liv, please” ..... sob ..... “don’t hang up!”

Liv could feel the eyes of everyone in the office on her but she couldn’t control her anger.

“I told you NOT to contact me! I don’t know what sort of game you and Elliot are playing, but I’m NOT interested!”

“Liv! Please!” Alex’s voice was full of tears and it was obvious that she was struggling to catch her breath.

“You’ve ready wasted my lunch hour today with a fake call out, you’re not going to waste any more of my time again. DO. NOT. CALL. ME. AGAIN. EVER!”

The slamming of the phone echoed through the silent office before a slow clapping broke the silence. 

“Oh! Well done Sergeant Heartbreaker, well done!” came Elliot’s patronising sneer, as he continued to slowly clap at her.

Liv raised her head and glared at him, a mixture of emotions flashing through her chocolate coloured eyes – perpetual confusion by his relentless insults at her expense, sadness at the gradual loss of their once close friendship and anger, anger at herself for allowing herself to be hurt yet again at the hands of another. 

Her thoughts were quickly rudely interrupted by Elliot.

“Men not enough for you that you're working your way through the ladies too?   
You’re like a revolving door – maybe that’s why you really work at SVU, huh? Gives you a chance to fit in amongst all the other deviants in New York!”

His mocking tone and overly aggressive manner further set the tone and only added fuel to the ire he was igniting in the other members of the squad.

“I fucking told you to back off Stabler, but you just couldn’t keep your big mouth shut!”   
Fin strode across the office, “I’m sorry baby girl but I ain’t havin him talk shit about you, you don’t deserve it!”

He glared at Elliot before continuing to speak.

“What the fuck is your problem man?   
You like belittling women? Make you feel like a ‘man’ does it?  
Maybe that’s the real reason your wife left – cause you ain’t no man!   
You’re just a sorry piece of shit punk who picks on women cause you ain’t got the balls to take a man on. Or maybe you jealous cause she getting some and you’re not?   
Cause that’s sure what it sounds like!”

Elliot burst out of his seat, squaring up to Fin. 

“What did you say? You think I’m jealous ... of that?” he gestured in Liv's direction, as if she was merely something that he had scraped off the bottom of his shoes.

“Well, what then? Cause she’s gay, or cause she likes ladies and dudes? You nothing but a homophobe, man!” Fin retorted.

“She’s NOT a gay!” Elliot bellowed, spittle flying from his mouth in rage. He continued to jab his finger in Liv's direction as he made his way angrily towards her.

“She’s just an indiscriminate WHORE! There’s a difference..... but I guess since you’ve sampled the ... ‘used' goods .... you tell me! Unless sloppy seconds IS your preference!”

Fin's fist connected with Elliot’s jaw before anyone could see it coming – a sickening ‘crunch' filling the temporary silence as Elliot fell to the floor.

“Fin!! Stop! Please!”

Liv rushed around the desk, grabbing the man who had defended her honour without a second thought for himself or his career. She physically pulled him away from Elliot, who was only now getting shakily to his feet, rotating his jaw as the pain obviously radiated through it.

“Say goodbye to your job, ‘Playa', cause I’m pressing charges" – Elliot licked the corner of his mouth, tasting blood, “maybe you’ll get on a cell block with some of your ‘homies’ like a home away from home!”

“You want another?” Fin pushed against Liv in an attempt to get to the man who was still trying to provoke him.

It was only Munch's voice ringing out through the bickering that made him pause in his next attack.

“Stop!”

“I want him charged with assault,” Elliot declared, ignoring the other man’s demand, “you all saw what he did!”

“I didn’t see anything,” came Liv's soft voice, as she shrugged and turned towards Munch in support of the man she was still restraining.

Munch ignored her, focusing his attentions on Elliot, the most volatile still of the group.

“Elliot, I told you that you were done for the day. So, go. Now.” Munch’s tone left no room for negotiation.

But once again Elliot just didn’t stop. “You’re not my Captain! You can’t tell me what to do!”

“No, but I can!” came Cragen's strident voice from the entryway of the office.

“Someone want to tell me what the HELL is going on here? I could hear the shouting from the corridor. This is NOT how I expect my Officers to behave!   
So, someone, start talking, now!”

A ringing permeated the silence.   
It was coming from Liv's cell phone.

Cragen nodded his head in its direction- “you better get that. Seems like you’ve all forgotten that you’re still on the clock.”

She patted Fin softly on his chest, silently willing him to calm down before she made her way back to her desk.   
She sat down heavily and reached for her cell phone.

A number she didn’t recognise repeatedly flashed on her screen, she turned slightly in her chair before answering in an attempt to get some privacy, never liking to be in the spotlight.

“Benson" she answered brusquely.

As she waited for a response Olivia glanced at the framed photos on her desk, a calming habit she found difficult to change, even after everything that had just occurred.   
Photos of her mom, a few of her godchildren and a small antique empty frame, whose picture now resided folded up in the back of her bottom draw.   
She couldn’t help the wistfulness that came to her face as her eyes gently traced over the glass of that empty photo frame as she waited impatiently for the person on the other end of the line to finally answer.

Fatigue once again overwhelmed her.   
She was so tired she felt like she was running on fumes.   
But no matter how tired she was her mind never strayed far from their current case though, and she desperately hoped that this was break in the case that they needed, because they were all beyond exhausted from interviewing witnesses and canvassing the local neighbourhood for leads.

She sighed quietly to herself, agitated at what had transpired less than an hour before in the park and how much time it had caused her to waste when she could have been out working the current case.   
But she also couldn’t help but ponder about what a fucking mess her life was – it always had been it seemed, since birth.

Just before her introspection became too overwhelming, she heard the caller finally answer.

“Liv” came the exhausted greeting from the woman who it seemed would just not take ‘no' for an answer.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” the sadness in her tone clear for the other woman to hear.

“Do you hate me that much?” she whispered.   
“I just want the chance to talk to you. I’ll beg if you want me to. But, please just talk to me.   
I need to talk to you before tomorrow, it’s important.”

She heard Alex’s hesitation before she continued her monologue.

“Just me and you” came her cautious offer, as if understanding that perhaps taking her son and practically forcing him into Olivia’s arms was not a prudent way to encourage the other woman to willing engage with her.  
It was as if she knew the reason for Liv's reluctance to commit before establishing just who would be involved in their meeting.   
She knew Liv was scared.

As if Elliot could almost sense his unwanted presence, he interrupted abruptly, apparently choosing to either deliberately ignore her being on an important call, or simply not caring.  
Olivia tended now to think that it was always the latter.

“Give me the goddamn cell if you can’t do your job and even ‘talk' to the vic!”

Cragen looked ready to throttle him at his unprofessional behaviour but did not reprimand him.

Liv however remained silent as Alex continued to talk, Alex taking her silence as explicit permission to carry on.

“I miss you; I miss you so much!   
And I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry ... for everything.   
I need to see you to explain some things.”

Liv was studiously ignoring the man now glaring at her like a jealous child from across their connected desks.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, not now, not ever,” came Liv’s clipped response.

“I’m begging you Liv, please, you NEED to listen to me.   
I love you! Please!”

Anger now came to the forefront of Olivia’s myriad of emotions once again and her plan to remain impassive in order to not let on that it was yet another personal call being played out in front of the squad failed yet again.

“You have no right to demand anything from me!   
What about what I want? What I need?   
You are SO selfish and you don’t even care!   
Newsflash, sweetheart – I don’t love you .... I never did and I NEVER will.   
Stop calling.”

She could hear her own erratic breaths and she felt on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Hey, say hi to the latest Benson booty call for me!” came the intrusive voice from the man still rudely lingering, no longer willing to stay silent now he thought he knew who was calling.

The silence from Alex once she heard Elliot’s voice was palpable.

Olivia’s head fell, knowing that she was losing her temper, her mind and her will - and feeling torn between doing what was right or doing what her anger was pushing for her to do for self-preservation.

“Tell her I’m free if she wants a ‘real man' tonight, that she’s had a lucky escape from your whorish tendencies!” he continued, now perching on the edge of her desk like he was a valid part of the conversation at hand.

“I could show her a much better time, though if she’s desperate enough to succumb to your alleged ‘charms’ then I may need her to get tested first!”

She heard Fin mutter, “asshole!” not quite under his breath and she knew what was coming next.

“Hey lady!   
Run whilst you can!   
She's damaged goods .... in EVERY sense of the word. It’s why everyone leaves her. 

I would say ask the ‘last' person who left her, Liv knows who I mean, but she ran so far and so fast she’s probably still across the other side of the world by now! 

As for the others, well, you don’t even bother with asking their names anymore, do you Liv?   
Wham, bam and onto.... or should that be – under the next one?   
Did she even tell you about her daddy?”

Her heart broke with every word Elliot uttered, especially when he reverted back to using her greatest secrets and fears against her.   
Each word pierced at her heart.

“Liv? Are you still there?”

Alex was desperately trying to regain her attention.

“He's lying Liv! You’re NOT damaged, I promise baby, I promise that’s NOT why I left.....”

Before either of them could continue there was yet another interruption.

“Hey Elliot, you’re out of line, have a bit of respect, my office now!” bellowed Cragen, his eyes silently apologising to her from across the room as if he knew she was now at breaking point.

Liv was beyond shocked and from the heavy breathing over the line she knew that Alex was struggling to maintain her own composure. 

“Leave me alone,” she stuttered down the phone to Alex, “you don’t need me, trust me ..... it’s better this way...” 

She hung up the cell phone and briefly placed her hands flat on her desktop before reaching in her bottom drawer for her purse and shakily standing.

Elliot’s belligerent tone echoed across the room, “Come on Cap, I just saved that woman from being another notch on Benson’s bedpost.   
That’s what we do in this unit, right? We SAVE people! If you want to thank me you can do it here so she can hear, we don’t need to hide in your office to spare her feelings ... she hasn’t got any!”

Olivia could feel the conflict of both anger and tears fighting each other for dominance and before she could even string a coherent thought or sentence together, he was once more speaking.

“Don’t worry Liv,” he cajoled, “plenty more fish in the sea ...... maybe this time you could try being ‘normal’ for a change.... unless you’re gonna follow the family tradition.... of rape.....”

She also knew that this was coming too.  
Every fucking time she thought her heart had hardened to the reason for her very existence something always came along to knock her back down.

“Cap,” came her quiet voice, “I have to leave, I have an appointment, I’ll be in first thing.”  
No explanations and no apologies.

She watched Elliot’s nostrils flare in anger before Cragen laid a heavy hand on his arm in a conscious decision to try and calm his temper.

“What the hell is the problem Liv?  
You’re going to run away? You need to get used to how things are gonna be from now on – now that everyone can see the ‘real' you!  
They all pussy foot around you and you walk all over them. Well, not me!  
You wanted to be treated like an equal? Well, suck it up buttercup, you got what you wanted.  
What more can I do?” he demanded.

“My office, now!” Cragen stated firmly, dragging Elliot from his desk and pulling him to his open office door.

“Huh?” Elliot squawked in surprise at being manhandled.

“Liv, I need you in here too. Munch take Fin and go and do the job I sent you to do.”

They could all see the incredulity in Liv's eyes at his request of her, especially after Elliot’s relentless and vicious diatribe, but before anyone could even jump to her defence she quietly spoke:  
“I am leaving, I have an appointment and I am leaving now. I will have my preliminary report on your desk by 7am tomorrow and then if you want to write me up, fine.”

She effectively ignored him after that, not wanting to look up and risk having to engage with him further – she knew she had to leave before she completely lost all her dignity and broke down. She simply did not want to give Elliot the satisfaction.

She heard the door slam as she stormed off.

It was only then she allowed her head to fall into her hands.

His words echoed in her head.

“She’s a whore!”

“She’s damaged goods!”

“It's why everyone leaves her!”

Her breath caught in her throat as she choked back a sob –  
“this life is NOT what I wanted ..... this was NEVER what I wanted! What I wanted is gone .... and I made it clear that she’s not coming back to me, ever.”


End file.
